Hey guys. I know its been like for-eva-eva. I’ve been busy being a new mom of course and trying to figure my life out professionally. Am I going to continue my career as a model and actress? Am I going to get a 9 to 5? Or be a stay-at-home mom? The latter sounds amazing but the way my bank account is set up. LOL.
Look, my hubby isn’t pushing me to get a job — he’s very supportive of my endeavors — but the reality is we ain’t the Joneses and this child care thing is gonna be a motha! PLUS, all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me and for real I’m trying’ to be one of the mommas, who profit dollars. It’s been tough trying to figure it all out.
I would love to continue to pursue my career as an actress and model but it’s so inconsistent. Furthermore, I’d have to travel up and down 95 North, often. I did that for four and half years before making the move there, pre-baby and hubby annnnnd I was younger. Let me tell you something … it wore me out. So I know if I tried to do it now it would just be a lot. Not impossible but just a lot.
I would love to get my son in on some castings as well but it just seems like it will be so much more of a challenge now that we aren’t living in the New York area anymore. I love living back home surrounded by my support system but the work is in New York. And let’s face it y’all I am one tired momma. I is TI-RED. And although I’ve gotten some really great feedback from a few agents and casting directors about him, I’m thinking maybe I’ll wait until he’s a little older.
Getting to and around New York will be a whole other ball game with a baby. Lugging a car seat attached to a stroller, diaper bag, my purse, myself, getting on trains, taking cabs, etc. etc. Lord I’d be tired before I’d get to the dang casting. I’m not complaining I just know the reality of it all. I’m extra tired just thinking about it all. I just don’t know guys. *sigh*
With all that said I have been so pre-occupied being a mom and wife that I’ve not been in consistent prayer about things. I really need to create some balance but its so hard sometimes. Having an infant means your time can be so unpredictable and unmanageable . And if you’re my son, napping during the day is non-existent. I can’t get much done during the day. And even when he’s sleep I have to decide whether to take a nap with him or try to work on some things. The nap usually prevails. I feel like an old lady. Thank God he sleeps through the night. Now we just have to get him sleeping in his crib. Each week its a new task.
After being sick for three weeks with the cold from hell — urgent care, a specialist, different meds and cold remedies — I’ve been able to start working out again. I am still suffering from some congestion but I feel a lot better. Wayment I take that back because I lost my sense of taste and smell. So I might have to be committed to a crazy house if my taste buds don’t return quickly. Anyone who knows me knows I lovvvvve to eat. And eating right now just seems like a waste of my time.
Thennnnnn my tooth chipped y’all. WTH? I have no idea how. I went to floss my teeth one evening and damn near hit my head on the mirror trying to see what the heck happened to my tooth. I thought I was seeing things. Well yeah I was … a damn chipped tooth. Blown. Like how? Like why? It’s not really noticeable to others but to me its a super big deal. And wait. There’s more. The following week my bottom tooth chipped. WHAAAATTTT THEEEE HELLLL! Im walking around here looking like Leon Spinx.
I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve since been to the doctors to get some blood work done. I’ve also been told that post-pregnancy the body can wreak havoc on your teeth and hair. Which by the way I’m dealing with also. This past weekend I had my sister blow my hair out and put it in two cornrows and them lil braids looked like some shoe strings.
When I wash my hair I notice a lot of shedding but I attributed it me not combing my hair a lot because I wear it in its natural state. But after those little struggle braids I realized although my hair grew in length my hair had really thinned out. My hair was so thick and pretty pre- and during pregnancy. Now, Im about ready to just cut it off and start from scratch. I’ve worn my hair short for like ever so maybe its the universe’s way of telling me to start anew.
So, in the midst of trying to figure my life out it seems there has just been one thing after another adding to my frustration or depleting my bank account. I’ve felt unproductive, profitless, lazy, un-motivated and feeling like I am going nowhere fast. I am not claiming these things over my life, Im just telling you how I’ve felt lately. But I know God! And my feelings don’t dictate my Faith! Things will turn around. I’ll get the answers I need. But y’all pray for me.
At this time, this is my new normal. This is my job. And my compensation is the unconditional love from my child. And man, nothing can counter that. I have to also stop being so hard on myself and just live in the moment. All the other stuff will fall into place. I may not be where I think I should be but the place I’m in — although challenging at times — is something special. I didn’t even know if I would become a mom. So I am blessed to even be able to hold that position.
So maybe this is where God wants me to be. At this moment. Right now. Here. With my son. Being his mother. Wholeheartedly. 100%. Because before anything else I am a mother.